I showed up today… That’s my phase I use almost everyday to tell GOD, myself and the universe that Kris Love didn’t die lastnite. I’m not religious or a always look at the positive side type of person. I’m a Trouble Man, if you ever heard the Marvin Gaye song by the same name you know what I mean. A black man built for the struggle but broken. Currently being tortured with years of solitary confinement. My address is Texas death row, for the past 4 years I have been in a constant war with myself that today is worth the trouble. The misery, the work. Waking up in a box with my future murder on my mind and maybe the murder of a fellow inmate/friend by the same killers stalking me one bad court decision at a time. Dam, should I brush my teeth, maybe drink a cup of coffee, or just cut my fucking wrist to end this torture, that’s my struggle every morning! I could sit here and tell you the statistics on how solitary is torture on all involved. How suicide becomes one bad thought away. Or maybe you want to hear about TDCJ treating us like animals, feeding us like animals. What about the extreme sentences passed out like free t-shirts in Africa, or maybe my death sentence, which I received for a crime I didn’t commit. I could go into detail about all that but I need you to hear how this is affecting me on a personal level. With no sugarcoat. Right now the one thing stopping me from killing myself is the attempt not working. Yes, I said that. The fear of being saved or GOD saying its not my time to die is one of the things giving me the courage to show up and figure today out. I’m not someone with a history of mental issues or suicidal thoughts, I got a good support system and children who love me waiting on my release. But this isolation is saying something different. It’s telling me I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve to live, I’m wasting my people’s time and money. It’s telling me, it’s OVER! Have you heard the saying “if these walls could talk”? Ask any body on death row, Ad seg, or any solitary confined person that and I bet they’ll tell you these walls not only talk they need to shut up! They do too much talking! But what these walls are talking about isn’t the memories of good times, smiles and hugs. These walls are like that friend or family member who never has nothing good to say. Always speaking about bullshit to kill your vibe. These walls want you to give up. They are designed to push human beings to the breaking point. To that point of “I can’t take this shit no more.”