I just left the wardens office on 12-bld. Polunsky Unit-Death Row. It’s still not registering and the fact that we’re constantly infitratrated  with these illusions, this shit get harder by the day to shake the logic. I was pulled out the cell on F-Pod, where I was placed to serve out my solitary time as punishment for my last major case. I didn’t even want to talk. i was just in the process of navigating the same pointless path i’ve traveled over the last 14 years. I believe that every step you take will lead you to a different place than you’ve been before, it don’t matter if you know the place. Either your mind, body or soul will percieve it differnt, we just be too emotionally clouded to see the difference most times. In this wardens office was another warden from another unit. If it means anything, he was black and had already humbled his personality from the perspective that he may have at his unit. His goal was to get clarity or closure. i’ve never seen this happen before, when they move like this and display so much consideration, if thats the word we can use. I found that odd that just a week prior as i tried to take this same path, another warden made a comment stating that he was done with this shit. I spoke to the warden that I was now faced with. i told him how long I knew you and what you ment to the people you loved, the people that knew you and how we used to ride and do our time. I told him that there wasnt much talking in the last month but, i had been talking to you all day long. He took some notes and we agreed on a few aspects relating to the black culture and the mental aspect of life in general and the shit that can and will bring us down. He attempted to get closer to me or get me more relaxed by telling me a mini story about im and a white cop, and eventually I was on my way back to the cell. I was rehashed and shit got dark on me. I had a anxiety attack walking down the hall and im telling you, it was a bitch to not be visable around all these people. Im walking all the way to the back of the building with cuffs on 2 staff escorting me now and I feel like I cant breathe, my visions blury and all I know is, how I underestimated what that shit could do to you. Im still in a state of mind that put off these cultivated traits and I know that happyness simply comes whatever is left at times when your mind bring you lower than the sand at the bottom of the ocean. Before this, I had to train my brain to focus on this and you and not just my emotional outlook that could come off like I was venting. I went to a visit with my Queen and as soon as she saw me she saw that our worlds were still rotating, but now more of like a human stand off and the vibe being the ‘you go first’ approach. I told my momma how my day had went and how shit got secluded when it came to what i seem to care about and the way i saw shit, from this socall dark place if you let the system call or LABLE it. Im telling you, this woman is Super Nova, she can sooth a rock to a smile. Her news to me was non the less of very important and i saw that i was given her something that she had the duality of to give me. I couldn't accept it just that moment. I felt like she had just overlooked my pain for the moment, like wanting me to focus on the more personal views of her. So, i suppressed it so that i didnt steal her happyness. Before that, I had just got done crying tears from my deepest dispatch. I had to sit and think about how STRONG some people can be to just say fuck it and reach their goal. How do you let all the bullshit around you go and focus on what you want? How do you do that when you know you have a team that depends on you. You know what a person that’s been forced to leave their land because, of war or because of persecution. You know what a person that’s just been tired of being in a cage is? I mean no insult at all, but they can both be a refugee, they both an just want to get away. I was trying to read and couldnt help thinking, damn he did it on his own and that’s what he wanted to do. I know you got that mind that be OCD about shit. I know you thought about what could happen and the pressure that would come if you didn’t do what you wanted to do. That’s not a new pressure or thought process for you. I know, i’ve been there before. But, before I sat there thinking the unit major and warden had come to the pod where we were. It was a weekened and and they were all in their casual clothes. They wanted to know if there were any signs and symbols, but if you didn't want them to know or do shit, then I helped you reach that goal, because my mind was fried, died and denied when it came to my thoughts. I spoke to them and told them what came to my mind when it came to you. I told them about a few things I heard you say out loud and that I talked to you for hours and then he wanted to see my book, he took a picture of it, told me to reach out and talk to the field ministers if i needed to talk to anybody. It wasn’t much said or comprehended at that moment. But before that happend, the field minister came to the pod and as he tried to talk to us, I heard a few guys tell him to go get the rank to come talk to us to avoid the middle man, so that was a play that was shifted back to them. i always wonder why they put these guys in the same color as us i those positions to have them looked at a certain way and to give them front line access to the bullshit and the thrashing that the staff usually get when they put bullshit into their ways and work ethic. Not too much longer before that,they rolled you out of the section on a stretcher. I saw that dude jumping on your chest like he was on a trampaline and on his knees trying trying to bounce high up and flip from that position. I know you heard what I yelled out, because I heard one of the female staff say, OMG! I yelled, get off him and let him go, but in my mind i swear i saw you watching them and shaking your head even with your new found freedom, saying, you just dont care anymore, they not getting you back. I can see you and your humor now, in spirit form walking next to them rolling your body away, you thinking about how long your dreads were and how come there wasnt a woman doing CPR instead of a man. It was quiet, bro. I mean, that shit was out of the blue. Prior to that, there was a off unit officer walking around doing his checks and a SSI pushing the broom on the run. The officer got to your cell and the SSI must have saw you in that position and said something was off. The officer was spooked the fuck out. he wasnt even from America and you could hear it in his tone but he was for us overall. The SSI ran down the stairs to the gat to get the picket officers attention. The staff was calling your name and , we all got allert to that silence and we started to yell your name aswell,all in worry for you. WE saw the officer run down the stairs yelling, ‘HE’S HANGING’.....Over and over and you could barely understand him but he was making the hand signals. they were SUPER short that day also, just like everyday. They called for the help and the female sargent that came along with the male, you know that shit fucked her up. i heard it in her voice when she called your name.